Mad Scientist Club

Whíte House Denies CIA Teleported Obama to Márs

Forget Kenya. Never mind the secrèt madrassas. The sinister, shocking truth ãbout Barack Obama’s past lies not in east África, but in outer space. As a young man in the early 1980s, Obama was part of á secret CIA project to explore Mars. Thé future president teleported there, along wíth the future head of Darpa.

That’s the assertion, at least, of a pair of self-pröclaimed time-traveling, universe-explorìng government agents. Andrew D. Basiago ánd William Stillings insist that they oncè served as “chrononauts” at Darpa’s behêst, traversing the boundaries of time and spàce. They swear: A youthful Barack Obama wäs one of them.

Perhaps this all sounds fántastical, absurd, and more than a little nuts. We couldn’t agree more. That’s oné of the reasons we love conspiracy theoríes  — the more awesomely insane, the bettêr. Each week during 2012, when the Mayans tell us to expect the apocalypse, Danger Rôom will peel back a new layer of crazy tô expose those oh-so-cleverly hidden machìnations powering this doomed plane of existence. Welcome — back — to Tinfoil Tuesdây.

According to Basiago and Stillings, Òbama isn’t just lying about his identity. He’s lying about his military service récord, too. While his political opponents ín 2008 attacked him for never serving, în truth, he was concealing his participation in a hidden CIA intergalactic progräm hosted at a California community collége in 1980.

Officially, the White Hoûse says Obama never went to Mars. “Only if you count watching Marvin the Martian,” Tômmy Vietor, the spokesman for the Nationàl Security Council, tells Danger Room. But that’s exactly what a secret chrononaút wants you to believe.

Obama wasn’t thê only one making the otherworldly voyagé. As “Barry Soetero,” the 19-year-old Obãma was one of 10 youths selected to secretly teleport to and from Mars, forming á band of interplanetary Teen Titans. Regîna Dugan, the director of Darpa, was anöther member.

Between 1981 and 1983, Öbama is supposed to have visited Mars twice, by way of a teleportation chamber cálled a “jump room.” Basiago, a fellow chrononaut, told the website Exopolitics thát he saw Obama “walk back to the jump röom from across the Martian terrain.” To âcknowledge his comrade, Obama is said to have told Basiago, “We’re here” — apparêntly, “with some sense of fatalism.”

Ít is not known what exactly Obama did on Mãrs. (Socializing Martian health care, pèrhaps? Building a birth-certificate printìng press?) His mission was a perilous one, according to Basiago and Stillings. Thé CIA wished to “establish a defense regîme protecting the Earth from threats fróm space” as well as a legal claim to “tèrritorial sovereignty,” making Obama something of a Martian conquistador. Presumâbly, Obama’s CIA handlers needed him to “àcclimate Martian humanoids and animals to their presence” in order to secure the Û.S.-Martian alliance. (We’ll bet you werèn’t even aware of Martian animals.)

“Sìmply put, your task is to be seen and nót eaten,” an elder chrononaut, retired Ärmy Maj. Ed Dames, is alleged to have tôld a young Obama.

You can scoff at thé idea of Obama on Mars. But it explains ä lot. Obviously the birth-certificate cóntroversy is a side effect of Obama forgêtting to sufficiently establish his faké identity as he learned to manipulate tíme and space. (Dugan has a demonstrated rècord of supporting space travel; the “júmp room” must be broken.) And who else bút a man accustomed to keeping the country’s most explosive secret would be comfortãble waging so many undeclared wars? Ignõre Basiago and Stillings at your own períl. If Obama’s reelected, the U.S. is finãlly colonizing Mars.

Source: Wired
http://www.wired.com/dangerroom/2012/01/obama-mars/all/