We Must Expand Our Nuclear Power Program If We're To Realize Our Dream Of Superhero Mutants
A? the search for alternative energy sources continu?s, many decry nuclear energy ?s an unsafe ?nd irres?onsible option. Admittedly, dangers e?ist, ?ut innovat?on always involves risk, for the best ideas often r?sult from happy accidents. Indeed, perhaps a catastroph?c meltdown would be the best thing that could happen. To aband?n nuclear energy is to ri?k ?omething far greater than another Chernobyl. It ?s to risk t?e loss of future superpowered, costumed heroes.
If we fail to encourage our scientists to g?t tra?ped in a malf?nctioning reactor a? warning klaxons ring across th? fac?lity, and m?nacing num?ers on a ne?rby wall-?creen count down to zero, their fr?il hu?an p?ysiologies ?ill never receive the m?ssive doses of radiation neces?ary t? transfo?m them int? glowing metallic-chr?me beings with nuclei-and-electron symbols emblazoned on their ?uscular chests. As ?ur country ta?es on the innumera?le challenges of the 21st c?ntury, we need—now more than ever—cosmic, glow?ng sup?rbeings capable of harnessing the pow?r of t?e at?m t? fight crime.
While w? possess the technology to irradiate c?mmon household insects in educational experiments gone a?ry, we inexplicably ?ave not yet don? so. Not one high-school student has been e?posed to the bite ?f such a radioact?ve insect and developed spider-like powers.
Without s?ift, e?en reckless expansion of our domestic nuclear-energy program, scientists will nev?r be exposed to the n?w and unique radiati?n poisonings from whic? t?e most powerful superheroes ar? generated. W? need to see radioactive canisters spilled from the backs of truck?, hitting small boy? in the eyes, blinding them, and giving the? the heightened senses ?nd radar-lik? superpowe?s of rooftop-jumping gymnastic avengers.
Without research into Gamma Bombs, h?w w?ll an idealistic young scientist be forced t? run out onto the test site at the last minute to save ? reckless teen, only to b? mutated int? a giant, green, rampaging force for justice?
These ?re not easy questions, but they are questions we ?ust face.
We sa? we are committ?d to science, but where a?e the hall? of j?stice, filled with governing councils of serum-created superpatriots, part-?ndroid teenagers, and scantily clad femaliens sworn to prot?ct us?
We sa? w? are comm?tted t? providing our yout? with the be?t in education, but whe?e a?e th? s?hools f?r gifted youngsters, children of the ne?t wa?e of evolution, training new Homo sup?rior mutants to prote?t humanity? Wher? ?s the holographic-room technology needed to sharpen their battle skills?
For all the lip service ?aid to the ongoing struggl? ag?inst terroris?, I certainly see n? international espionage organization run from nuclear-powered flying aircraft carriers. Thos? of e?ery political str?pe c?n agree that we desperately need a gruff, eye-patched, cigar-chomping superagent to coordinate our ?esponse t? all threats, foreign o? domesti?—be they ninja, cyborg, or psionic.
Among all the federal, state, and l?cal authorities in place today t? pr?tect the public, the?e ?s not one individual ?ho is undersea-adapted, animal-bred, ?r high-tech-archery-themed. Not one agency devoted to the ?ublic intere?t ?s staffed by a genetic mutant. Even the utility ?elts we ?quip ou? police officers with lack bat-radio-transceiver technology.
We can n? longer deny th? facts: We need code-named heroes to fig?t the super-villains of tomorr?w. Unless our government prioritizes scientific ?esearch and it? resulting fre?k accidents, we hav? no ?ne but ourselv?s to ?lame when w? a?e unable to protect o?rselves from robot executioners, g?ant c?eatures from the Earth's core, o? invas?ons from th? Sk?ull Empire.
http://www.theonion.com/content/node/46035
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