Why we must invade Mars
In the words of our President “Those weapons of mass destruction have got to be somewhere!" Everyone knows we’ve looked for them everywhere. The only logical explanation - they are on Mars. The Martians are waiting for an opportune time in which to invade the Earth. The signs are everywhere. The pleura of movies are all indications that Mars is planning to attack Earth. There is mounting evidence that Martians were involved in shooting down two resent scientific missions to Mars. In fact nearly two thirds of all Martians missions have failed. Scientific evidence shows that Mars is behind these failures. Indications are that Mars is preparing for a full out invasion of Earth. A fossil find in the Arctic indicate that even Martian Microbes made early attempts at an invasion of the planet Earth. Top NASA officials argue that the evidence is overwhelming.Current economic conditions and a derisive political climate world wide are indications that Martians have infiltrated the highest levels of the US government. A secret Martian source in the government, whose identity can not be revealed otherwise everyone would know he is a Martian, said “Why invade if we can get the stupid Humans to spend and eat themselves into oblivion. We invented fast food and credit on Mars knowing full well that it was not good for Human consumption. We then encouraged greed and over indulgence and “wa la” a lot of fat and over extended humans. When the fat Americans explode they will take out a majority of the planet with them. Our main plan allows the Humans to destroy themselves and then we will send in a small force of Taco Vendors to finish off any survivors. The whole operation will cost us 100 Marts or $50 mil US. That’s small change to destroy the entire Human Race.” When we pressured our source to divulge the Martians name we were told that Reporter - Source confidentiality was more important then saving the human race.
A key US political appointee whose name is not revealed because he was not authorized to divulge any information is quoted as saying: “If we invade Mars we can hunt down and kill real Aliens instead of those not so real Aliens from south of the border.” Other sources say an invasion of Mars will result in the greatest cultural advance for mankind since Europeans discovered bathing. Sources from deep within the Pentagon hint that trillions of dollars have been siphoned from the economy for the development of the technology for attacking Mars or any other Alien that has the nerve to pop into our solar system. These same sources hinted at the discovery of Martian bases hidden deep within the Earth just waiting for the right moment to spring a surprise attack on the unsuspecting humans. When asked if the military had plans to destroy the bases the spokesman, whose name is not revealed because he was not authorized to divulge any information, is quoted as saying: “Of course not! That would ruin the surprise.”
Top Administration personnel have indicated: We were just waiting for the Doctrine of Pre-emptive attack to become Official US Policy to start the ball rolling for the invasion”. Top Military Personnel, whose name can not be revealed because they are not authorized to say anything, were heard quietly singing to the tune of American Pie - “First we kick the hell out of Mars and then we stick it to Uranus.”
Bye Bye Miss American pie, kick the hell out of Mars and stick it to Uranus. This will be the day that we die. This will be the day that we die.
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